Catch and well needed release.

Not even brand new, sinfully luxurious, chunky baby alpaca in a deep saucy crimson could keep it from finally coming to a head. I curled up like an infant around the warmth and loyalty of my sweet dogface and muffled my sobs in her flank, overwhelmed with the feelings I've been denying myself, perhaps since I wiped the last tears, and final heartbreak of my marriage, off my face on the plane from Buffalo to San Jose, over a year ago. Primal envy that it was supposed to be me that he's so over joyed to procreate with, even though I'm eternally grateful it's not. Appall that he's carrying on his cycle of pathological lying to his new girl, even though she's pregnant with his baby, and I was just his wife and we were so young, and the unsinkable notion instilled in me, not only by his actions but by my own insecurity, that maybe it was just me that was unworthy of his honesty, his sincerity, his humanity, or his love. Even sick satisfaction, and the coinciding shame, of realizing outwardly what I've known in my ever more confident, and intelligent, subconscious; that it never was just me. Jealousy that he has someone to hold at night, to hold him, to defend him, to soothe him, even if he did have to pay the price of jumping into a relationship and ultimately being tied to it for the rest of his life, even after the shine rubs off, due to his own irresponsibility, it all poured through me, and hopefully out of me, in the...paws, of someone who cares. I do know true love. I found in a dog what I could never find in my marriage. Loyalty, security, and someone that will let me cry on their shoulder, even if they're scared. Even if they'd rather go chew the eyes off of a stuffed owl. Even if they're old and crotchety and I'm getting their coat wet.

After I got up to make myself some chai, and decided instead to document the current state of my emotional affairs a la the 21st century, she began to whimper in her sleep, tucked under layers of blankets in the bed. I pet her head, told her it was a bad dream, and returned the favor.