Thinking and I'm thinking til there's nothin' I ain't thunk.

About one in five times I go on Facebook I look at his profile. Maybe it's curiosity, mostly I think it's human kinds general gluttony for punishment, and pain. His girlfriend seems to be head over heels for him. So excited to be with him, to be incubating something she created with him. Every time I read a comment from her I remember what it's like to feel that way about him, and I remember every time he let them down. About trying to get pregnant, and during it, when we'd fight he'd occasionally kick me in the stomach. Laying in bed and looking at the bruise, wondering if maybe something had been in there and was extinguished by the violence. How he'd look at the bruises with shame and apologize and put his hand on it, tenderly. Forgiving him over and over, and mostly blaming myself for making him feel the need to...protect himself in such a manner? I consider telling her sometimes, rationalize it by means of protecting her, but mostly I think it's anger and an immature desire for revenge against him. If he could do it to me, why not her? Though I have the notion that he won't. I spend a lot of time wondering why. Why he could be so violent and heartless towards me, but covet her, and their baby. If maybe I deserved his treatment due to my actions or behaviour? If that's just insecurity and there was an underlying factor in our relationship that made him prone to attack, and not in theirs. If maybe her comments are just a veil, a way to mask hidden problems, her way of making their relationship beautiful and healthy in print if not in life, like I used to do when talking to friends and family. I don't miss him, or our relationship, but part of me craves what they have in theirs, wishes that he treated me the way he seems to be treating her, a desire to be part of that with him like it was supposed to be when I left home to be with him, and married him. To be with the man she's making him out to be.